im Jewish so when I was little my dream was to have a Christmas tree so one day I saw that my neighbors had cut/trimmed pieces of their tree and put them by the trash so I went and got the pieces and taped them together and put them in my barbie house and pretended isn’t that the saddest story
gonna save all the scary stuff… my surgery to have the cells removed will be during christmas break. I’ll be on a treatment plan I have to quit smoking…my heart is sad.. and i’m going to start eating more and it’ll be healthy food too. bug is gonna quit with me I think.. and he’s taught me how to meditate. I know crying won’t help or solve anything,
but…. it feels pretty fucking great to cry right now. keep sending me good vibes guys. love all of ya’ll.
I can either make this my hell or a new adventure.
So, I haven’t been on tumblr in a while.. so I’m going to vent my lil ass off. It’s extremely personal..but right now I don’t give a motherfuck. two weeks ago I had my yearly “exam” at the gynecologist.
On Tuesday I was in my childcare class and I got a call from my doctor’s nurse. she said she’d been trying to call since the day after the exam but she didn’t have my new number. I went into the hallway and first thing the nurse on the phone said was “Don’t be scared baby it’ll be okay.” Honestly, first thing that came to mind was I’m pregnant. But that is pretty impossible since I haven’t had sex but anyway.. She said don’t be scared, so I said what’s going on. She said my exam came back with abnormal cancer cells on my cervix. and that during my exam he couldn’t even find my cervix. and I need to come in as soon as possible to have a biopsy and to talk about my options.
So, I set my appointment and everything, She gave me the option to tell my aunt or not. I told her I’ll think about it. It’s not positive that it’s cancerous. I’ll find out after the biopsy on Thursday. I feel like I’m being punished for all the bad things I’ve done to my body. I told my aunt, immediately because I was crying and had to leave my class. she started to panic and ask a million questions I didn’t have the answers for. I gave my doctor permission to tell her any information they have on me. She told my whole family..I was calm..but now I’m not..I’m thinking too much.. :/
I love my life. Even if it’s fucked up in every which way, I love it. I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m not asking for ya’ll to be worried. but if you can, please send me some good positive vibes. look on the bright side, we caught it early if it is anything bad. it’s just a new adventure I get to go on. Hannah Tony L. if you’re reading this, I know I didn’t tell you. And I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you. We haven’t talked in a while anyway and I didn’t want this to be the first thing you heard from me, ya know? I love you to the stars and back Hannah.
No matter what even if it is, or isn’t, i’m gonna be fine guys. I’m not going to let it hurt me.